Need some Advice...

[Zaul]

I dont really know where else to ask, The OTCA Community has been so kind to me since day one and the people I've met at the Meetings will be friends for life.

Firstly let me say I didn't sell my Universe collection off, I would be a fool to, I've taken em off ebay and Ive stored them away and plan to keep collecting when/if I come back.

Here's my situation.

I've known a Girl online for 8 years, during that time we kind of fell in love, as much as an internet couple could, but I kind of broke it up when It became apparent we probably wouldn't see each other due to school/money restrictions.

She ended up dating another guy, and I went my separate way, but after getting the gut feeling something wasn't right I found out he wasn't treating her very well and was a heavy drinker.

Being the good nature soul I am I helped her get through it and move on, however she was heart broken and I Guess the term was burned for quiet a while.

Anyways we got talking again, and I admitted to her I still liked her, she said she liked me too but would not admit anything further until we had a chance to meet and we actually got to know each other face to face.

So I decided Screw it, Im gonna go visit her.

I dropped all my plans, got the quickest job I could find and started saving hard.

Things were going ok in the 3 months while I was saving, but something bothered me.
She wouldn't tell her Parents I was coming, despite being 22 and living on her own she was worried they might think less of her and think that I'm some internet stalker or something stupid like that.

So I had to keep the trip a secret, and on facebook that's rather difficult when everyones linked.

Anyways about a week ago I was talking to one of her friends, whom I Thought was her best friend, and some info kind of got leaked.

Next thing I know I get a horrible email from my friend in Canada saying she isnt happy and basically this friend of hers had been blasting her ear out with ' OMG DONT HE'S AN INTERNET RAPIST, IM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE HERE , HE KEEPS ASKING HOW YOU ARE '.

What Hurts me here is I've done all the hard work for this visit, I've saved up nearly $5000 all for a chance on what I Thought was going to be love, we have alot of chemistry and we get along well but these things really bother me.

What realllllllllllly pisses me off is the fact I'm considered a stalker in her friends eyes because I ask how she is sometimes, which just makes me rage due to the fact that when you like someone , and I assume they like you back you want to hear about them and spend time together.

So here I am 2 weeks out of the trip, basically with a seal over my mouth about posting anything on facebook at all now.. she told her friend she blocked me and thats that, but I cant help but wonder if Im getting the raw end of the deal here.

I'm not a demanding guy, and I'm very patient, but due to the fact she wont tell her parents im coming Basically the whole thing has to be keept a secret, lest this big mouth friend of hers spills the beans to her parents, gets them worried and she's forced to explain the situation.

Does anyone else think Im being played a bit here?

This post might sound negative about the poor girl but she's been a good friend of mine for so long, I understand she's in a difficult position but in times like this I feel she needs to grow a spine.

I hate being considered a secret, not being able to post on facebook, not being able to let anyone know im going blah blah blah. I mean christ im 22, she's 22, we are adults now, and Im past the stage in my life where I want to play games with peoples emotions.

What makes this so hard is she's the only girl Ive ever known that really likes me, and she's the only one Ive ever had strong feelings for, even though it is so long distance..

This isn't the first problem we've had but it is the most recent, I was really looking forward to this trip to Canada too, I dont really know what to do anymore, I paid a fortune for a work visa, but I just feel like she doesn't care or something.

[Deceptic_Optic]

Just go with your gut instinct man! I know this sound mean but I have dated online before and you just cant trust them until you actually meet them in person and find out what they really are. If you think your getting played make sure you always have a back up plan, cos if you think this is the only chance to find love then risk it. But think of the pros and cons of you going overseas, think of the worst things that could happen and think if all of this your doing is worth it for a girl that you only met and talked to online and never have met before. Lets be realistic here if you feel strongly about and if you really like her go for it! but prepare for the consiquences and heartaches if it does happen, all I can say from my perspective and experiences and I am sorry to say that it never works out. Hopefully i'm wrong in your case cos there are still some people who are very succesful with online dating. Again, before making any rushed decisions just think of the pros and cons and go from there,. Hope this helps? Goodluck!:)

[Deonasis]

I think her friends are behaving quite naturally; trying to look after their friend. Expect to see them alot, probably at your first meeting too. Encourage meeting her friends because until they know your a good guy they should be protective. Accept that her friends will be hesitant. Don't worry about proving your good guy-ness, her friends will see that over time, or she'll discover her friends fears are misguided.

Just go over there, relax, don't try and prove yourself, and have a good time.

[1AZRAEL1]

You never know if you never go. In my opinion, go and find out, otherwise you may regret never finding out, in either event that it works out or not. Knowing the outcome is better than looking back on it and saying, "I wish I did it"
One day you may regret not going for it.

Sometimes it can work out, I met my fiance on Myspace :o

Besides, if it all doesnt work out, it would be quite nice for a holiday to go somewhere overseas, and that I am jealous of because now that I am weighed down with a mortgage, I won't have the chance for that for a very long time :)

[Tiby]

This is something I've seen time and again, but from the other end. Zaul, you are right in saying that when people are together, or want to be together, they usually ask a lot about each other and want to visit a lot. However, these very same actions can be seen as stalking or unwanted attention, if the feelings are not shared or, in your case, someone else is interfering.

I guess you need to weigh up the "what if" factor: If you never went, will you always wonder? I guess at worst you will have a holiday and and expensive what if, and at best you will meet someone special.

Just be careful. People who assume the worst about others usually do so because they themselves think about doing the worst to others, and simply project. Don't let love dull your wits - if anyone here is sinister it may be her friend.

While it may sound like the friend is simply being protective, what are her real reasons? Jealousy? Not wanting to risk losing her friend to a boyfriend? etc. In almost every decision people make, there is a personal advantage reason for it. Selfish is not a dirty word, just human nature.

[Sky Shadow]

I would say, definitely go to Canada, but don't let your relationship with this girl be the be-all-and-end-all of the trip. If it works out, great - you can have a wonderful time together. But if it doesn't work, just have an awesome time experiencing everything that Canada has to offer. Don't worry too much about the secrecy now, but once you're there, it's not fair if she continues to keep you a secret - it's not a balanced or fair friendship or relationship unless she's proud enough of you to make you an open part of her life. Be confident - she's lucky to have you - someone who's willing to go halfway around the world to see her. If she doesn't appreciate that, it's her loss, not yours.

[1AZRAEL1]

Be confident - she's lucky to have you - someone who's willing to go halfway around the world to see her. If she doesn't appreciate that, it's her loss, not yours.

Well spoken. I was in the same situation, not halfway round the world, just a few hours drive.

Like he said, just enjoy yuorself in any case while your over there, from what I have heard it is a really nice place.

[autobreadticon]

Sky Shadow well said,

I reckon it depends on how she communicates with you, you can pick up alot from communicating on say... Skype, is she distance
?, is there joy? i reckon you two should have an open dialogue where you both help plan the trip and get to the point where its comfortable again, over that long period people can change, love can change. Your'll have to realistic in that your'll find this love is maybe not what you had in mind.... in saying that good luck

[Zaul]

Had a Good long talk to her today, unfortunatly I get alot of ' Im busy can we talk another time ' responses from her.
She seems very cold and distant at the moment..

Guess I'll have to wait and see how things Pan out.

[TheDirtyDigger]

Dude...

Cancel the trip, refund your tickets, save your money.
Something is definitely not right here with her behaviour and the whole story.
My feeling is that if you go ahead you will be sorely disappointed.
Are you sure she's not setting you up to be arrested as soon as you touchdown there?
Canada is not worth it in my mind for just a holiday anyway...it's just like Australia except colder with more water and French people.

[Zaul]

She was supposed to be my best friend, but she dances around the issues too much and listens to friends of hers that have no idea what they are talking about.

I feel emotionally sick to my stomach right now , It's looking like Im going to have to cancel.

It's a shame too, I need a fresh start in life, I want to move out , study, do something with my life, and I thought this was the ticket to do it.

[sanbot]

It's a shame too, I need a fresh start in life, I want to move out , study, do something with my life, and I thought this was the ticket to do it.

I say forget about her. She sounds like bad news. If she values more what her friends are saying then I suspect this will also dictate her actions in a relationship with you. So even if something happens between the two of you, I am certain she will continue to trust her friends more then you. And you will forever be trying to prove to her that your care for her.

Don't let this stop you from moving out and doing the things you want to do. If you can financially do it and you know what you want to do then go for it.

[Deceptic_Optic]

pros and cons bro! pros and cons! Im not saying you should or shouldnt go, im saying analyse it before you move. trust me on this not everything has a fairy tale ending.

[1AZRAEL1]

I'll give you advice from my personal experiences.

I was with this girl, I lived in the Gong, she lived in Parra. Long distant relationship. Kinda sucked. Then an opportunity arose where this guy I knew needed a housemate out in Penrith. I made the snap decision to move. 2 weeks before I was due to move, she dumped me at a concert. I said "F*** it, I'm gonna move anyway!" So I did. A week later I met another girl who is now my fiance and here I am now and couldnt be happier.

Lifes funny like that sometimes.

All I can say is, even if it doesnt work out, just do it for a holiday and see what happens. At least you will know for sure, instead of wondering what might have been.

[Gutsman Heavy]

give it a go, if it doesn't work out you can always club some seals to vent.

[autobreadticon]

with $5000 i would get the Human Size Optimus Prime Statue i always wanted

[Fungal Infection]

I'd cancel and see how she reacts.

[kup]

Dude...

Cancel the trip, refund your tickets, save your money.
Something is definitely not right here with her behavior and the whole story.
My feeling is that if you go ahead you will be sorely disappointed.
Are you sure she's not setting you up to be arrested as soon as you touchdown there?
Canada is not worth it in my mind for just a holiday anyway...it's just like Australia except colder with more water and French people.

I share digger's views. Everything there sounds real iffy and more like you are about to be screwed with all this secret bullshit. Keep in mind that many people live dual lives online and consider it more as a 'play life' more than anything serious and who you meet online does not always mean they are the same person you would meet in real life. You don't want to go all the way to Canada for them to treat you like crap and then come back.

However if you do go and you immediately notice that you are being screwed with (the first day should be hint enough) then just f**k' em and enjoy your visit to Canada by taking on some tours or something.

My general advice is to not take online friendships or relationships seriously unless you know the person in real life - It doesn't matter if you know them for years or not. Chances are that to that person you are nothing more than an NPC who is good to chat online doesn't care about you any more than that.

[1AZRAEL1]

My general advice is to not take online friendships or relationships seriously unless you know the person in real life - It doesn't matter if you know them for years or not. Chances are that to that person you are nothing more than an NPC who is good to chat online but has no interest in having such a relationship in the real world.

Not all friendships/relationships on the net shouldnt be taken seriously. I have met quite a few people on the net first, then met them down the track for the first time. I even lived with one of them for 6 months. They cannot all be judged as one, they all have there own merits.
Even another I chatted to online for not even month and shared a hotel room with her after a gig. Became really cool friends.
Not all online friendships are people online with a second life. Not having a go or anything, but just stating they all have their on circumstances needing to be taken into consideration.

[kup]

Meeting someone online and then meeting them in Real life is good as you get to properly meet them - That's what I meant about knowing them in real life. However if you only know them through their online persona then its not worth investing so much of yourself emotionally on them.

[omegaprime]

i feel for ya good luck with this

[1AZRAEL1]

Meeting someone online and then meeting them in Real life is good as you get to properly meet them - That's what I meant about knowing them in real life. However if you only know them through their online persona then its not worth investing so much of yourself emotionally on them.

True, but there are still people I am yet to meet, that I know online, probably some that I will never meet.
Even someone that I regard as my sister and she regards me as her brother. Was probably 3 years I known her online before I actually met her.

I dunno, all I'm saying is that you can't really say that everyone online is a different person in real life. And he won't really know unless he meets her.

[kup]

That's right you don't know until you meet them and that's why my view is that one should meet them before going so deep in a relationship. However in this case based on what we know - It seems more likely that she is indeed one person online and another in real life.

[Ace]

You've gotta take a little more control of the friendship. Right now she's (with the help of her friend) dictating the terms. She needs to be honest with her parents before anything could go further between you two. Right now it doesn't look good for the two of you. Call some shots and see how she responds to them if she doesn't agree to any then she's probably going to walk all over you if anything were to happen.

$5000 is a pretty good head start to move out and possibly move to another state if you want to start fresh. It's a bit cliche' but, there's plenty of other fish in the sea. Just be yourself and go with your gut instinct mate. I hope it all works out for you.

[bruticus]

all this talk abt $5000 reminded me of homers quote:

"...Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires...."

mate, i got two words for you "Friend Zone".

Once you are in it, you have bugger all chance of trying to change it to anything else. That stuff only happens in movies mate. Dont waste your time with her trying to wait for your hollywood ending.

She clearly does not appreciate all the effort you have given so its time to cut her loose mate.

Be tough. You'll find yourself another girl. You are still young and have plenty of time.

From the sounds of things, you are a young adult with a good head on your shoulders, hard working, committed, capable of following through difficult goals and you are a very loyal friend. Those qualities will go very far my friend. Keep that up and you will see that many other opportunities will open up to you.

Life is all abt the learning experiences cos nobody gets it right the first time. You will realise that when you meet your next girl.

[Gutsman Heavy]

mate, i got two words for you "Friend Zone".

Once you are in it, you have bugger all chance of trying to change it to anything else. That stuff only happens in movies mate. Dont waste your time with her trying to wait for your hollywood ending.



I was friends with my gf before we went out, hell she had a bf, I destroyed him and took her as my own!

[bruticus]

I was friends with my gf before we went out, hell she had a bf, I destroyed him and took her as my own!

oh kay... im pretty sure that was NOT the message i was trying to promote here...
but good for you gutsman...you home breaker... lol...
nah just kidding mate... *high 5's*

but seriously, in this instance, its been 8yrs... man 8yrs...shes just not that in to him....

[Hereticpoo]

Dude...

Cancel the trip, refund your tickets, save your money.
Something is definitely not right here with her behaviour and the whole story.
My feeling is that if you go ahead you will be sorely disappointed.
Are you sure she's not setting you up to be arrested as soon as you touchdown there?
Canada is not worth it in my mind for just a holiday anyway...it's just like Australia except colder with more water and French people.

+1

What if they are luring you over to blackmail you? I.E. Give us $x or we'll tell the Candian police you did naughty rapists things? Also Canada being cold = winter clothing = concealed flesh = hairy chicks! :D

[mightyant]

This is rain, and this is your parade. Now lets see what happens when we combine the two...

My mate tried the same thing, went overseas for some woman, guess how long it lasted? Phone a friend if you need to. In fact, ask your mates if they think it's a good idea, you'll more than likely get one offering to kick you in the pants.

Sorry dude, but I don't see good things happening.

I wish you all the best though no matter which path you head down

[Zaul]

I spoke to her today, she seemed a bit happier.

She didn't respond to any of my emails and was in a bit of a funny mood, but Girls just get like that sometimes right?

Anyways by the end of the convo she seemed happier, and said I was still welcome to come over.

I'm still thinking things over very carefully though, I kind of feel like Im putting all the energy into the relationship atm and she's unsure.

[Robzy]

I kinda agree with Digger, Kup & Hereticpoo... BE CAREFUL!!

I'm a pretty suspicious person myself, and this sounds a little sus to me! I worry about the whole "dual life" aspect. But I'm more concerned for your welfare... I don't mind being adventurous, but I always keep safe - especially when I travel! Secrecy when travelling is NOT A GOOD OPTION!

Just my http://i280.photobucket.com/albums/kk199/sunglikeahorse/My2cents.gif! :)

[TheDirtyDigger]

I spoke to her today, she seemed a bit happier.

She didn't respond to any of my emails and was in a bit of a funny mood, but Girls just get like that sometimes right?

Anyways by the end of the convo she seemed happier, and said I was still welcome to come over.

I'm still thinking things over very carefully though, I kind of feel like Im putting all the energy into the relationship atm and she's unsure.


Zaul man, you gotta read the sage and worldly advice being handed out from the experienced lads at OTCA here. Everything about this sounds like a bad idea.
Worse part is, from your info and your responses it sounds like you're not thinking clearly at all and are completely clouded by emotion.
Emotion that isn't reciprocated at all.
She doesn't love you and in every likelihood, never will.
You are not going to get a return on the emotion you have already invested here so be smart and cut your losses and run.
Sure, keep her as an online friend that lives on the opposite side of the planet but this 'love' you are feeling for her is unwanted, unwarranted and just wrong.
Be smart.

[kup]

Yeah, everything about this still sounds totally wrong and from what you are saying, it seems that this relationship is one sided with you being the only one emotionally invested and her not interested in returning that affection unless it stays online which is fallacy.

When did she begun to act funny with her ignoring you and listening to her friend and whatnot? Was it after you announced that you were traveling over there to meet her in person? If that's the case then it is likely because she never expected to meet you and regarded you nothing more than an 'internet boyfriend' than a real one. She probably freaked at the thought of her internet 'relationship' coming into the real world because she doesn't actually care for it and then begun to panic by talking to her friend about 'this online guy she doesn't know' coming over and so forth which triggered all this 'He is a rapist!' response.

If she truly cared for you in the same way as you do for her - What the friend says would not matter because she would know you and be sure that the friend is wrong in what he/she says.

Sorry dude, but I see no good coming from this, only sorrow and disappointment. Just keep in mind that despite whatever road you choose, you are the one in the driver's seat not her or the friend - You can turn around at any time.

[GoktimusPrime]

I agree with TheDirtyDigger. If I were you I wouldn't waste my time with a woman flip-flopping around and undecided about whether or not to commit to a relationship with you.

I also agree with SkyShadow in that if you just want to go to Canada for the sake of going to Canada, then do it for that reason. Meeting up with this girl and starting a relationship with her should just be a secondary benefit - i.e. if it happens it happens, but if not no big deal.

That's pretty much how I met my wife. We initially communicated online then I travelled overseas for the primary purpose of wanting to travel to that country, but since I was there I met up with her and things went from there. Had things not turned out between us it would not have been a wasted trip because regardless of the outcome I still had a really good time travelling there. So if you want to go, go for the sake of seeing Canada, not for the sake of meeting this woman.

[d*r*j*]

When I was younger I was in a very similar situation. She was in america and I ended up not going, I don't regret it at all. Everyone is giving you advice with no real information, but read your own words;


What makes this so hard is she's the only girl Ive ever known that really likes me, and she's the only one Ive ever had strong feelings for, even though it is so long distance...

Surely if the only girl who you have ever felt liked by is on the computer... you need to meet more girls, improve your circumstances, be independant and grow into a man naturally. I don't mean this to sound condescending, but I'm 30 and was in the same place as you once.

[autobreadticon]

her friend could be a dungeon monster and i won't see get to hear from you for another 15 years

[Zaul]

Another update for everyone.

It seems she was in a funny mood, she had been doing 9 hour car trips across canada, some things were said and she is very sorry.

Tonight she logged on and gave me like a 2 hour voice chat and still wants me to visit, calling me her handsome aussie and wanting to take me to the movies ect.

She really is a good person, but she sometimes has these mood swings.. once a month.. *rolls eyes*.

Anyways I haven't made up my mind either way yet, but I want to extend my gratitude to the OCTA Community.

You all reached out in my time of need with worthy advice , and I'm truly honored to have such awesome friends.

Wherever I go , whether it be Canada or Somewhere in Aus I will always contribute here to the best of my ability and If I can ever help down with tracking some figures then Im in debt to you all.

[1AZRAEL1]

Could possibly be coz she was under alot of stress.

Hopefully it does work out for you dude.

At least you know that wherever you end up, you will always have people to talk to here :)

[mknell]

Good luck dude, either way Canada is an awesome country to visit

[Ode to a Grasshopper]

Hope you have a good holiday.:)

[Kyle]

Whatever your decision, best wishes to you.

[Gutsman Heavy]

do it do it do it!

Hell even if it didn't work out, you will have one killer story to pull chicks with, Mr. Romantic who flew around the world for love, they'd swoon for ya!

[STL]

I just lost a post that was in response to this. But in short, if you were a mate of mine and were contemplating going, I'd sure as hell chain you up and have a long talk. Hell, I'd beat u up if you were still so convinced you wanted to go. The point is, even if my mate was pissed off with me at least i tried to bloody tell him and did everything in my power to prevent him from doing something this silly. I'd rather have him pissed and angry as opposed to be sitting there telling him yeah you do wahtever.

All the odds here are stacked against you, mate.

Unless as I believe it was Sky Shadow who said u go with the intention of visiting Canada and travelling and only meeting her as part of that trip, don't waste ur time and money. Plenty of women downunder. Plenty of moody women, at that. And if u travel to Canada with the intention of treating it like a holiday there's still plenty to enjoy. Plenty of Canadian women and bars to get around too, I'd imagine. Why limit yourself to one suspect and moody girl?

And tbh I'm can see her friend's pov too. I'd be saying the very same things to her. She hasn't made the commitment to let ppl know about u so until that happens ur wasting ur time. So it cuts both ways. It's hardly a win-win situation if you go over there with her as the centrepiece of your trip.

Don't go. A lot of ppl will say to you its your choice and that is true. But wouldn't u rather hear from someone who isn't sitting on the fence? Those ppl don't have anything invested. They aren't even putting themselves in your shoes and at least trying to say what they'd do. The people who aren't sitting on the fence are at least putting themselves in ur position and making a tough call about what they'd do. The majority of ppl in this thread who have not sat on the fence have told you not to go.

That should speak volumes.

[autobreadticon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQQ2jPm0CO4

[Fungal Infection]

If you go and it doesn't work out, remember to sh!t in her shoes before you leave.

[MV75]

You just have to get her away from her cock blocking fat friend....

But I'd just not go. You're only 22, you both still have growing up to do no matter what you think. I was that age once too, and looking back now, very immature even though it seemed I wasn't at the time.

Spend that money on next years botcon instead. :D

Or bugger it all and visit germany/japan.

[Deceptic_Optic]

its a no go for me ZAUL.

[Ode to a Grasshopper]

Personally I can't help but be reminded of this (http://www.shortpacked.com/d/20080818.html).
There's probably a valuable lesson somewhere in there if you're willing to learn it.

I recommend reading the whole series btw - it's surprisingly funny and there's quite a few decent Transformer strips to boot.

Either way you've obviously already made up your mind regardless of what anyone here says, so like I said hope you have a good holiday.:)