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Just a thread to post up quotes you thought were funny, whether they be TF-related or not - thought this would be a nice thread to cheer up anyone on a sad day :D
Let's start off....
'Hey, German kid! go back to Germania!' - Nelson from The Simpsons
Though it's an insulting quote that ignorance behind it is hilarious.
A personal favourite to cheer me up is from Fawlty Towers when Basil is showing an annoying woman her room and she said that the room is supposed to have an ocean to view and she wants to know where it is.
"You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky!":D
I look forward to seeing this thread grow:)
I have one a bit like this from a real-life uni party I was at. A friend of mine from the Senate occupation back in first-year asked - in all seriousness - of some nearby African students "Are they speaking African?".:DQuote:
Originally Posted by SkyWarp91
I think they were speaking Swahili.
Anything from Monty Python! :D :)
"All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?!?"
"Brought peace"
"Oh, peace..... shut up!"
"Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?"
"Did you say ex-leper?!"
"That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir."
"Well, what happened?"
"Oh cured sir!"
"Cured?"
"Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!"
"Who cured you?"
"Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! 'You're cured, mate.' Bloody do-gooder."
"Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!"
"Yes! We're all individuals!"
"You're all different!"
"Yes, we ARE all different!"
"I'm not..."
"Sshhh!!"
"Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis spli--"
" I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
" Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?"
"But mother..."
"Father. I'm father."
"But father..."
"I am your king."
"Well I didn't vote for you."
"You don't vote for kings."
"Well how'd you become king then?"
"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king."
"Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony...Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you...Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"
...etc. :)
Anything from Monty Python is awesome. :D
And from that same episode where she hits her head on the shelf, Basil picks up a piece of lint and says "Is this a piece of your brain?" Watery Fowls is a great show with alot of memorable quotes lol. The German episode seems to spring to mind...Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartrim
Come to think of it, alot of the funny quotes I can come up with are from old British humor. Goodies, Young Ones, Python, all greats.
Oh a great one from The Pink Panther Strikes Again
Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[dog bites Clouseau's hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.
Mrs. Leverlilly: You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that's been committed here?
Mrs. Leverlilly: But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: Not anymore!
Francois: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?
Clouseau: The exploding kind.
Major Lols!
I love Monty Python! The Holy grail is a classic! I really love the way the peasents in the discussion with the king are just diggin around in the mud as part of what they do.
Aaaaar! good times good times. Gotta dig it out of my DVD collection now and do some watching.
the Goodies is on Monday Nights, ABC2 at 8.05pm, before Good Game if anybody wants a trip down memory lane. I particularly like the Scones vs Scones episode. ;) (phonetically Scoans vs Scons):p:D Brilliant!
LOL. I love that "piece of your brain" line. Also when she is trying to find her glasses and they are on her head but she has her hearing aid turned off. Basil's frustration at trying to tell her is priceless.Quote:
Originally Posted by 1AZRAEL1
Ah the German episode. Always reminds me of my honeymoon. My wife and I went on a tour that consisted of us and 8 germans. My wife was getting so pissed because I just kept whispering " Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right."
Also from that episode I love this little bit
Basil: Is there something wrong?
Elder Herr: Will you stop talking about the war?
Basil: Me! You started it!
Elder Herr: We did not start it!
Basil: Yes you did — you invaded Poland:D
A good website for Fawlty Towers fans
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fawlty_Towers
All the good lines
I had noticed that, I only found out last Monday and started to watch it again. One of my favourite episodes would have to be Goodies Rule OK. The one where all the childhood characters like sooty and sweep take over parliament haha. Classic stuff.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tetsuwan Convoy
All I can say is:Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartrim
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
One of the best lines ever.
Some of my favourite Transformer quotes:
"More than meets the eyyyyeee---" - Waspinator (Dark Designs)
"Die-cast construction. It's a lost art." - Optimus Primal (The Agenda, Part 3)
"Yes! Main thrusters connected to Teletron-1!"
"It's Teletraan!"
"Oh whatever."
- Blackarachnia & Rattrap (Nemesis, Part 2)
"You Optimuses do love to sacrifice yourselves, don't you?" - Megatron (Other Voices, Part 2)
"This guy's got bearings of chrome steel." - Rhinox (Beast Wars Part 1)
"You took the driver. Where is it?"
"Gone. Ain't that a kick in the lug-nuts."
Megatron & Depth Charge (Feral Scream Part 1)
"That Pred's about as female as a piston!" - Rattrap (Tangled Web)
"Hey, if you took that broomstick out of your tailpipe every once in a while, you might have some fun for a change!" - Rattrap (The Agenda Part 1)
"I ain't starin' at no hairy cat butt!" - Rattrap (The Probe)
"Yeah? An' you can kiss my skidplate, fearless leader." - Rattrap (Beast Wars Part 1)
"So... the Tripredacus council still smooches the skidplates of the Maximal Elders." - Megatron (The Agenda Part 2)
"Waspinator find spider-bot and tear him a new waste-disposal unit!" - Waspinator (Other Voices Part 1)
"Oh, yeah, yeah, heh heh, scouting the enemy, yeah. Heh heh. Find any new positions?" - Rattrap (The Agenda Part 1)
"Looks like that Pred friend of yours finally did something right."
"Yes, my beloved has... many skills."
- Rattrap & Silverbolt (Changing of the Guard)
""What sheer ruthlessness. What disregard for sentient life! I rather like these aliens." - Megatron (Other Voices Part 2)
"There's a friend of mine, just went to uh, went to get you a tighter shirt."
"There isn't a tighter shirt. We checked."
Sam Witwicky & jocks (Revenge of the Fallen)
"You know how to waterski, Bludgeon? Me neither!"
"AAAAARGH!"
- Seawatch & Bludgeon (Primal Scream)
LOL, great quotes folks!
Here's one I googled:
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
This whole site has more!
http://thinkexist.com/quotations/funny/
"The problem with this country is women having jobs, immigrants, and David Beckham" - The Football Ramble taking the mick out of England tabloids.
Phone rings.
"Moe's Tavern. Home of the worlds smallest large screen T.V":D- The Simpsons I.T.A.S
I think the most memorable Simpsons quote ever for me will always be Homer at the post office:
Homer: Heloooo my name is Mr Burns, I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Ok Mr Burns, err what's your fist name?
Homer: I don't knoooow.
Ofcourse it's all in the delivery.
Aside from that I never get tired of the whole Rapier Ape briefing sequence from Xtacles hence my Avatar and sig. It is rather long and very very wrong, but it still amuses me.
A.L.E.X: I keep telling you Jack the database has no record of a villain named Rape Ape.
Jack Taggart: Rape Ape, he's that guy who's going around raping all those statues, put that in the database and read it back to me
A.L.E.X: (sighs) Ok....
Jack Taggart: Well what does it say?
A.L.E.X: Rape ape, that guy who's going around raping these statues.
Jack Taggart: Case closed!
Random Xtacle: Boo yeah!
A.L.E.X: No Jack, case not closed. Even if there was a Rape Ape, which to reiterate there isn't. You'd still have to catch him.
Jack Taggart: Alright alright, well what about this guy (points to the name below Rape Ape in the database)
A.L.E.X: Rapier Ape?
Jack Taggart: Yeah look at his name, he's obviously taken raping to a whole new level.
Bigsby: Please tell me there isn't a Rapiest Ape.
A.L.E.X: (sighs with frustration) Rapier Ape is a retired villain and he's called that because he wields a rapier.
Bigsby: He wields another rapist?
A.L.E.X: No a rapier, a sword used in fencing.
Chase: He rapes people with a sword? That's sick!
Bigsby: I'd rather be raped by a penis.
Jack Taggart: And you may just get your wish
Bigsby: No, no it wasn't a wish.
And then there's this one from Metalocalypse
Nathan Explosion: So, where are we now?
Pickles the Drummer: This is the church of the atheists. They don't, uh, believe in God.
Nathan Explosion: Oh, like Toki and Skwisgaar?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: No, we are nihilists? We don't believe in anything.
Nathan Explosion: But can't nihilists also... not... believe in god... too?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Well, I, uh... I don't know.
Yep, anything from there is awesome :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Lord_Zed
From Big Bang Theory
Lenard: c'mon Penny, Sheldon's one labe accident away from being a super villian!
"Excuse me." - Slag (Transformers The Movie) <---it's funny in the context of the situation ;)
Arcee: "Did we have to let them detonate three quarters of the ship?"
Springer: "Seeing as how the Decepticons would've detonated four quarters, I think it was a pretty good choice!"
(Transformers The Movie)
Grimlock: "Me Grimlock not care, whole planet fall apart! Make no difference to me, Grimlock."
Wheeljack: "With you on it?"
Grimlock: "Hmm... hadn't thought of that."
(The Ultimate Doom, Part 2)
Megatron: "Either you're lying, or you're stupid!"
Starscream: "I'm stupid! I'm stupid!"
(Triple Takeover)
"I've never seen anything this beautiful in the whole galaxy. Okay, give me the bomb." - Ultra Magnus (Fight or Flee)
Transformers the movie
Grimlock: me Grimlock not kisser, me Grimlock king!
From Transformers the movie my favourite (funniest) quote is.
Kup: This reminds of the battle on Alpha-9, the Petro Rabbits were... Grimlock get your noodle out of my face!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock love Kups war stories.
Kup: Your living one now. Engage the boosters for Cybertrons sake!
Grimlock: Tell Grimlock about Petro Rabbits again
Kup: I'll give you Petro Rabbits
:D
Just saw The Movie again, love that line and love Kup :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Bartrim
Watching tonight's ep of South Park on Channel 99... they made a parody of the Nintendo Game Cube called the "Okama Game Sphere." Okama is Japanese for that word that got Stephanie Rice in trouble. ;)
the internet, where men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI
Some quotes from Burn Notice, quite funny:
-----
Fiona: Someone is getting a little flirty for his own good.
Michael: Fi, I am trying to snatch Kendra off the street and tie her to a chair.
Fiona: You're not helping your cause.
Michael: This is just a harmless case of cat and mouse between me and a professional killer.
-----
Chuck: Charles Finlay had a shotgun wedding for the sake of his cover. That's Charlotte, the ol' ball-n-chain.
Fiona: Call me that again and we will have a shotgun divorce.
----
Paul: They use to call it Karate, but I think they have a new word for it now.
Fiona: Foreplay.
Paul: Heellllooo.
---
Michael: (voice-over) 30 years of karate. Combat experience on five continents. A rating with every weapon that shoots a bullet or holds an edge. Still haven't found any defense to Mom crying into my shirt.
Just watched the Glimmerman again the other day...
Jack Cole: It's called a mala. Tibetan pray beads.
Detective Jim Campbell: What do you use 'em for?
Jack Cole: I use 'em to calm my mind and to purify my thoughts.
Detective Jim Campbell: Yeah, I use Jack Daniels!
Jack Cole: See now, we're trying to go to same place. We're just using different technique.
Detective Jim Campbell: Except I don't wear the bottle around my neck!
Jack Cole: That's because you'd lose your job if you did...
:D
Glimmerman = awesome :cool:
"You know, when you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, I think you're probably happy. Pleased at what you see. And that disturbs me. So I'm gonna take it on as my responsibility to make sure that you never get to look in the mirror again." :D
A running-gag from the RFC TFTM parody that always brings a smile to my face:
Brawn: Megatron! Decepticons!
Megatron: So, Brawn. Did you think I forgot the time that you shot me with my own fusion cannon, and I said I would get you back? Well now it's time!
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah.
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah.
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah!
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: That was too easy, Starscream.
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: You're dead, Brawn!
Brawn: 'Tis but a scratch.
Megatron: A scratch? Your shoulder's gone!
Brawn: No it isn't.
Megatron: Look!
Brawn: I've had worse.
Megatron: You liar!
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him again. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: Well, that's done. Now, onto--
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: Don't give me this garbage.
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him repetitively. He transforms to robot mode. Moments later he transforms to gun mode AGAIN and delivers another devastating round. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: *There*. Sheesh, he was a tough little guy, wasn't he? That was a lot harder than I thought it'd be.
Starscream: Much harder, almighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat: the Autobots' moonbase!
Megatron: You're an idiot, Starscream. When... hold on! The other Autobots! Where are they, anyway?
Starscream: It looks like they abandoned ship. They survived.
Megatron: It is no matter. When we slip by their early warning systems in their own shuttle and destroy Autobot City, the Autobots will be vanquished forever!
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: NOOOOOOO!
From one of my new favourite movies "The Losers"
Jensen: Legless Pooch and I are on it!
Pooch: Call me 'Legless Pooch' again, and you're gonna be 'Headless Jensen'
and when Jensen is unarmed and cornered by security guards
(Holding fingers in gun position)
I'm warning you, I am a lethal killing machine. It was a secret government experiment. They did stuff to me. Spooky stuff... Anal stuff. It turned me into a dangerous telekinetic. In the words of Ancient Taoist masters, Don't start none... Won't be none.
and after he "shoots" 2 of the 3 guards. He stares down the 3rd guard and says
"Get down on your belly, or I'll stop your heart with my mind bullets"
ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Agnew
From True Blood season 2
Lafayette: Jesus and i decided to see other people.
Have to use that one on the folks next time
The epitaph on Spike Milligan's tombstone reads "Duirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite", Irish for "I told you I was ill."
Very funny man, I especially love the "Fly In My Soup" skit (though in today's day and age, would be insulting to people, labelled racist and such)
Even the Pakistani Darlek hahahahahahahaha
Marine at classified base : "Whats your clearance"
Agent DiNozzo: "About 6'1. Why? Do you have low ceilings?":D
From NCIS season 6
Ha! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Bartrim
You see, I dig NCIS, the writing is awesome and it's backed up by a great cast and that is why it's still going. ;):D
Car makes loud grinding noise as girl tries to put it into reverse gear
James Bond: "Can you play any other tunes?"
The spy who loved me.