Funny Quotes Thread

[SkyWarp91]

Just a thread to post up quotes you thought were funny, whether they be TF-related or not - thought this would be a nice thread to cheer up anyone on a sad day

Let's start off....


'Hey, German kid! go back to Germania!' - Nelson from The Simpsons

Though it's an insulting quote that ignorance behind it is hilarious.

[Bartrim]

A personal favourite to cheer me up is from Fawlty Towers when Basil is showing an annoying woman her room and she said that the room is supposed to have an ocean to view and she wants to know where it is.

"You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky!"

I look forward to seeing this thread grow

[Ode to a Grasshopper]

Just a thread to post up quotes you thought were funny, whether they be TF-related or not - thought this would be a nice thread to cheer up anyone on a sad day

Let's start off....


'Hey, German kid! go back to Germania!' - Nelson from The Simpsons

Though it's an insulting quote that ignorance behind it is hilarious.

I have one a bit like this from a real-life uni party I was at. A friend of mine from the Senate occupation back in first-year asked - in all seriousness - of some nearby African students "Are they speaking African?".
I think they were speaking Swahili.

[GoktimusPrime]

Anything from Monty Python!

"All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?!?"
"Brought peace"
"Oh, peace..... shut up!"

"Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?"
"Did you say ex-leper?!"
"That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir."
"Well, what happened?"
"Oh cured sir!"
"Cured?"
"Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!"
"Who cured you?"
"Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! 'You're cured, mate.' Bloody do-gooder."

"Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!"
"Yes! We're all individuals!"
"You're all different!"
"Yes, we ARE all different!"
"I'm not..."
"Sshhh!!"

"Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis spli--"

" I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

" Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?"

"But mother..."
"Father. I'm father."
"But father..."

"I am your king."
"Well I didn't vote for you."
"You don't vote for kings."
"Well how'd you become king then?"
"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king."
"Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony...Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you...Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

...etc.

[1AZRAEL1]

Anything from Monty Python is awesome.

A personal favourite to cheer me up is from Fawlty Towers when Basil is showing an annoying woman her room and she said that the room is supposed to have an ocean to view and she wants to know where it is.

"You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky!"

And from that same episode where she hits her head on the shelf, Basil picks up a piece of lint and says "Is this a piece of your brain?" Watery Fowls is a great show with alot of memorable quotes lol. The German episode seems to spring to mind...

Come to think of it, alot of the funny quotes I can come up with are from old British humor. Goodies, Young Ones, Python, all greats.

Oh a great one from The Pink Panther Strikes Again

Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[dog bites Clouseau's hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.

Mrs. Leverlilly: You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that's been committed here?
Mrs. Leverlilly: But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: Not anymore!

Francois: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?
Clouseau: The exploding kind.

[Tetsuwan Convoy]

Major Lols!

I love Monty Python! The Holy grail is a classic! I really love the way the peasents in the discussion with the king are just diggin around in the mud as part of what they do.

Aaaaar! good times good times. Gotta dig it out of my DVD collection now and do some watching.

the Goodies is on Monday Nights, ABC2 at 8.05pm, before Good Game if anybody wants a trip down memory lane. I particularly like the Scones vs Scones episode. (phonetically Scoans vs Scons) Brilliant!

[Bartrim]

Anything from Monty Python is awesome.



And from that same episode where she hits her head on the shelf, Basil picks up a piece of lint and says "Is this a piece of your brain?" Watery Fowls is a great show with alot of memorable quotes lol. The German episode seems to spring to mind...

LOL. I love that "piece of your brain" line. Also when she is trying to find her glasses and they are on her head but she has her hearing aid turned off. Basil's frustration at trying to tell her is priceless.

Ah the German episode. Always reminds me of my honeymoon. My wife and I went on a tour that consisted of us and 8 germans. My wife was getting so pissed because I just kept whispering " Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right."

Also from that episode I love this little bit
Basil: Is there something wrong?
Elder Herr: Will you stop talking about the war?
Basil: Me! You started it!
Elder Herr: We did not start it!
Basil: Yes you did — you invaded Poland

A good website for Fawlty Towers fans
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fawlty_Towers

All the good lines

[1AZRAEL1]

the Goodies is on Monday Nights, ABC2 at 8.05pm, before Good Game if anybody wants a trip down memory lane. I particularly like the Scones vs Scones episode. (phonetically Scoans vs Scons) Brilliant!

I had noticed that, I only found out last Monday and started to watch it again. One of my favourite episodes would have to be Goodies Rule OK. The one where all the childhood characters like sooty and sweep take over parliament haha. Classic stuff.

Ah the German episode. Always reminds me of my honeymoon. My wife and I went on a tour that consisted of us and 8 germans. My wife was getting so pissed because I just kept whispering " Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right."

Also from that episode I love this little bit
Basil: Is there something wrong?
Elder Herr: Will you stop talking about the war?
Basil: Me! You started it!
Elder Herr: We did not start it!
Basil: Yes you did — you invaded Poland

All I can say is:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

One of the best lines ever.

[GoktimusPrime]

Some of my favourite Transformer quotes:

"More than meets the eyyyyeee---" - Waspinator (Dark Designs)

"Die-cast construction. It's a lost art." - Optimus Primal (The Agenda, Part 3)

"Yes! Main thrusters connected to Teletron-1!"
"It's Teletraan!"
"Oh whatever."
- Blackarachnia & Rattrap (Nemesis, Part 2)

"You Optimuses do love to sacrifice yourselves, don't you?" - Megatron (Other Voices, Part 2)

"This guy's got bearings of chrome steel." - Rhinox (Beast Wars Part 1)

"You took the driver. Where is it?"
"Gone. Ain't that a kick in the lug-nuts."
Megatron & Depth Charge (Feral Scream Part 1)

"That Pred's about as female as a piston!" - Rattrap (Tangled Web)

"Hey, if you took that broomstick out of your tailpipe every once in a while, you might have some fun for a change!" - Rattrap (The Agenda Part 1)

"I ain't starin' at no hairy cat butt!" - Rattrap (The Probe)

"Yeah? An' you can kiss my skidplate, fearless leader." - Rattrap (Beast Wars Part 1)

"So... the Tripredacus council still smooches the skidplates of the Maximal Elders." - Megatron (The Agenda Part 2)

"Waspinator find spider-bot and tear him a new waste-disposal unit!" - Waspinator (Other Voices Part 1)

"Oh, yeah, yeah, heh heh, scouting the enemy, yeah. Heh heh. Find any new positions?" - Rattrap (The Agenda Part 1)

"Looks like that Pred friend of yours finally did something right."
"Yes, my beloved has... many skills."
- Rattrap & Silverbolt (Changing of the Guard)

""What sheer ruthlessness. What disregard for sentient life! I rather like these aliens." - Megatron (Other Voices Part 2)

"There's a friend of mine, just went to uh, went to get you a tighter shirt."
"There isn't a tighter shirt. We checked."
Sam Witwicky & jocks (Revenge of the Fallen)

"You know how to waterski, Bludgeon? Me neither!"
"AAAAARGH!"
- Seawatch & Bludgeon (Primal Scream)

[SkyWarp91]

LOL, great quotes folks!

Here's one I googled:

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

This whole site has more!
http://thinkexist.com/quotations/funny/