The Most Useless Transformers You've Never Heard Of!

[M-bot]

Name: Trashcan

Allegiance: Decepticon

Function: Surveillance

Alt mode: Wheelie bin

Motto: "What's that smell?"

Abilities: Using his clever disguise as a ubiquitous object, Trashcan is able to blend into any urban environment with ease. His sonic receptors can receive, isolate and record sounds up to 1000 metres away, making him a vital cog in Megatron's efforts. He is frequently sent to sites of Autobot activity in order to spy, reporting a wealth of intelligence regarding the hated enemies of the Decepticons.

Weaknesses: Trashcan is unfortunately the only Decepticon with a germ phobia, which leads to inevitable problems when humans dump waste into him at regular intervals. After a particularly nasty experience outside a pub after a half-price parma-and-pot night, Trashcan had an 'episode' and locked himself away in the deepest corner of the Decepticon base where he still sits, armed with a bottle of hospital strength Domestos and a scrubbing brush, scouring himself to the point of exhaustion if ever approached.

[M-bot]

Name: Infodump

Allegiance: Autobot

Function: Research and information retrieval

Alt mode: Laptop computer

Motto: "Damn you, Bill Gates!"

Abilities: In laptop computer mode, Infodump is able to hack into any WiFi network and download gigabytes of data at speeds faster than any Internet connection created by humans. Furthermore, he is able to sift through those reams of information to isolate those bytes that contain information the Autobots can use to their advantage.

Weaknesses: While sorting through raw intelligence data found on the World Wide Web, Infodump became addicted to various social media, spending more time than is healthy monitoring his Twitter feed and playing Farmville on Facebook. In an effort to curb his addictions, Autobot medic Ratchet attempted to install NetNanny software. However, its function clashed with the most recent security update from Microsoft, causing Infodump to constantly circle in a never ending loop of error messages that no amount of ctrl-alt-del's can fix.

[M-bot]

Name: Broadcast

Allegiance: Autobot

Function: Communications

Alt mode: Record player

Motto: “Young people these days…”

Abilities: Broadcast is able to announce important information in any known frequency. He uses this ability to communicate vital instructions and strategies to his teammates during battle, enabling them to stay organised.

Weaknesses: Despite the urgings of his teammates, Broadcast remains a steadfast technological troglodyte. He refuses to update his aged alt mode to something more advanced. He insists that “them new-fangled digital players are useless! The good ol‘ 33⅓rpm records give a far better sound!” He even resists Optimus Prime’s urgings to be a bit more discreet with his information delivery - as the Decepticons are just as able to hear his communications as the Autobots. This often renders him more of liability than a help. Broadcast won’t have a bar of it. Even Kup, the Autobots’ elder-statesman, dismisses Broadcast as a crotchety old bugger.

[M-bot]

Name: Sneaker

Allegiance: Autobot

Function: Spy

Alt mode: Electric car

Motto: "Gotcha!”

Abilities: Armed with engine block sound dampeners and impeccably lubricated joints and servos, Sneaker is able to move in virtual silence both in vehicle and robot mode. Coupled with his ability to see all light frequencies and perceive even the faintest of light sources, he is literally able to see in the dark. His relatively small size and double joints means he can fit himself into spaces too tight for most larger ‘bots.

Weaknesses: Sneaker’s ability to sneak around undetected means he has developed a penchant for practical jokes that constantly gets him into trouble with his Autobot superiors. The Autobots tolerated the time he secured a remote control to Prowl’s police car mode lights, turning them on and off during mission briefings; they excused him for replacing Jazz’s entire Earth-music collection with the complete works of Celine Dion; they could not, however, forgive him for the now-infamous “hungry-robo-ferret-in-Optimus-Prime’s-exhaust-pipe” incident. He has been confined to quarters ever since.

[M-bot]

Name: Brainwave

Allegiance: Decepticon

Function: Psychological warfare

Alt mode: Ice cream van

Motto: "I just love pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows!” *

Abilities: Brainwave is an empath, with the ability to detect and tune in to the very specific brainwave frequencies of any organism, giving him the ability to predict their every thought, often discerning their next move even before they make it. This talent makes him an extremely dangerous foe in a fight, and Autobots will often give him a wide berth on the battlefield.

Weaknesses: Unfortunately for Brainwave, the first victim he used his abilities on after arriving on Earth was a four-year-old girl with a Care Bears obsession. The experience was so injurious to his psyche that he found himself simply unable to hate the Autobots any longer. For a while, he tried to exhort and cajole his Decepticon teammates around to his way of thinking, sometimes leaving them short notes of encouragement. They were hoping he would snap out of it, warily accepting his decision to redecorate his quarters with rainbow murals. Sadly, he met his end when he suggested that Starscream should “turn that frown upside down” and had his head blown off for his trouble.

(*You'll love them too... go to www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWM2joNb9NE and have your mind blown.)

[M-bot]

Over to you, OTCA... anyone else want to join in the fun?

[Geminii]

I'll admit Trashcan made me laugh.

[GoktimusPrime]

Over to you, OTCA... anyone else want to join in the fun?

Scattor

I've largely copied the old Tech Specs format from the old toys (thanks to Bob Budiansky!)

Actually the format is based on Marvel G1's "Transformers Universe" profiles (or "Transformers A-Z" as it was called in the UK comics) which they used to print at the back of some issues. (archived here) -- of course, Marvel writers like Budiansky wrote many of the TFU profiles and toy tech specs so there's heaps of similarities. The TFUs are often more expanded versions of the toy tech specs.