Why not something a bit longer? It reads almost like a Mosaic and I'm assuming it was based off that brilliant full Mosaic comic.

I think it's okay. The narrative isn't fluid. Especially in the 4th paragraph "Like all the planets...", I get the gist but it doesn't flow off the page. The jumping of thoughts don't progress very smoothly either. He suddenly thinks of Monstructor. Then thinks "Fortunately" as in he's glad to be away from battle. Yet here he is prortecting and knows he'll have to move onto the next battle.

Do, do more though. Especially longer ones. I think that might let you squeeze more in cos otherwise it's too squashed. I do like reading fanfic.