Funny Quotes Thread

[blackie]

the internet, where men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI

[SkyWarp91]

Some quotes from Burn Notice, quite funny:

-----

Fiona: Someone is getting a little flirty for his own good.
Michael: Fi, I am trying to snatch Kendra off the street and tie her to a chair.
Fiona: You're not helping your cause.
Michael: This is just a harmless case of cat and mouse between me and a professional killer.

-----

Chuck: Charles Finlay had a shotgun wedding for the sake of his cover. That's Charlotte, the ol' ball-n-chain.

Fiona: Call me that again and we will have a shotgun divorce.

----

Paul: They use to call it Karate, but I think they have a new word for it now.
Fiona: Foreplay.
Paul: Heellllooo.

---

Michael: (voice-over) 30 years of karate. Combat experience on five continents. A rating with every weapon that shoots a bullet or holds an edge. Still haven't found any defense to Mom crying into my shirt.

[Bartrim]

Just watched the Glimmerman again the other day...

Jack Cole: It's called a mala. Tibetan pray beads.
Detective Jim Campbell: What do you use 'em for?
Jack Cole: I use 'em to calm my mind and to purify my thoughts.
Detective Jim Campbell: Yeah, I use Jack Daniels!
Jack Cole: See now, we're trying to go to same place. We're just using different technique.
Detective Jim Campbell: Except I don't wear the bottle around my neck!
Jack Cole: That's because you'd lose your job if you did...

[5FDP]

Glimmerman = awesome

"You know, when you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, I think you're probably happy. Pleased at what you see. And that disturbs me. So I'm gonna take it on as my responsibility to make sure that you never get to look in the mirror again."

[Paul Agnew]

A running-gag from the RFC TFTM parody that always brings a smile to my face:

Brawn: Megatron! Decepticons!
Megatron: So, Brawn. Did you think I forgot the time that you shot me with my own fusion cannon, and I said I would get you back? Well now it's time!
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah.
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah.
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah!
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: That was too easy, Starscream.
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: You're dead, Brawn!
Brawn: 'Tis but a scratch.
Megatron: A scratch? Your shoulder's gone!
Brawn: No it isn't.
Megatron: Look!
Brawn: I've had worse.
Megatron: You liar!
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him again. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: Well, that's done. Now, onto--
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: Don't give me this garbage.
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him repetitively. He transforms to robot mode. Moments later he transforms to gun mode AGAIN and delivers another devastating round. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: *There*. Sheesh, he was a tough little guy, wasn't he? That was a lot harder than I thought it'd be.
Starscream: Much harder, almighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat: the Autobots' moonbase!
Megatron: You're an idiot, Starscream. When... hold on! The other Autobots! Where are they, anyway?
Starscream: It looks like they abandoned ship. They survived.
Megatron: It is no matter. When we slip by their early warning systems in their own shuttle and destroy Autobot City, the Autobots will be vanquished forever!
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: NOOOOOOO!

[Bartrim]

From one of my new favourite movies "The Losers"

Jensen: Legless Pooch and I are on it!
Pooch: Call me 'Legless Pooch' again, and you're gonna be 'Headless Jensen'

and when Jensen is unarmed and cornered by security guards
(Holding fingers in gun position)
I'm warning you, I am a lethal killing machine. It was a secret government experiment. They did stuff to me. Spooky stuff... Anal stuff. It turned me into a dangerous telekinetic. In the words of Ancient Taoist masters, Don't start none... Won't be none.

and after he "shoots" 2 of the 3 guards. He stares down the 3rd guard and says
"Get down on your belly, or I'll stop your heart with my mind bullets"

[liegeprime]

A running-gag from the RFC TFTM parody that always brings a smile to my face:

Brawn: Megatron! Decepticons!
Megatron: So, Brawn. Did you think I forgot the time that you shot me with my own fusion cannon, and I said I would get you back? Well now it's time!
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah.
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah.
Brawn: Oh yeah?
Megatron: Yeah!
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: That was too easy, Starscream.
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: You're dead, Brawn!
Brawn: 'Tis but a scratch.
Megatron: A scratch? Your shoulder's gone!
Brawn: No it isn't.
Megatron: Look!
Brawn: I've had worse.
Megatron: You liar!
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him again. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: Well, that's done. Now, onto--
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: Don't give me this garbage.
(Megatron transforms to gun mode and promptly shoots him repetitively. He transforms to robot mode. Moments later he transforms to gun mode AGAIN and delivers another devastating round. He transforms to robot mode)
Megatron: *There*. Sheesh, he was a tough little guy, wasn't he? That was a lot harder than I thought it'd be.
Starscream: Much harder, almighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat: the Autobots' moonbase!
Megatron: You're an idiot, Starscream. When... hold on! The other Autobots! Where are they, anyway?
Starscream: It looks like they abandoned ship. They survived.
Megatron: It is no matter. When we slip by their early warning systems in their own shuttle and destroy Autobot City, the Autobots will be vanquished forever!
Brawn: Oh Yeah?
Megatron: NOOOOOOO!

ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL!!!!

[LordCyrusOmega]

From True Blood season 2

Lafayette: Jesus and i decided to see other people.

Have to use that one on the folks next time

[1AZRAEL1]

The epitaph on Spike Milligan's tombstone reads "Duirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite", Irish for "I told you I was ill."

Very funny man, I especially love the "Fly In My Soup" skit (though in today's day and age, would be insulting to people, labelled racist and such)

Even the Pakistani Darlek hahahahahahahaha

[Bartrim]

Marine at classified base : "Whats your clearance"

Agent DiNozzo: "About 6'1. Why? Do you have low ceilings?"

From NCIS season 6