Funny Quotes Thread

[Ode to a Grasshopper]

Just a thread to post up quotes you thought were funny, whether they be TF-related or not - thought this would be a nice thread to cheer up anyone on a sad day

Let's start off....


'Hey, German kid! go back to Germania!' - Nelson from The Simpsons

Though it's an insulting quote that ignorance behind it is hilarious.

I have one a bit like this from a real-life uni party I was at. A friend of mine from the Senate occupation back in first-year asked - in all seriousness - of some nearby African students "Are they speaking African?".
I think they were speaking Swahili.

[GoktimusPrime]

Anything from Monty Python!

"All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?!?"
"Brought peace"
"Oh, peace..... shut up!"

"Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?"
"Did you say ex-leper?!"
"That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir."
"Well, what happened?"
"Oh cured sir!"
"Cured?"
"Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!"
"Who cured you?"
"Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! 'You're cured, mate.' Bloody do-gooder."

"Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!"
"Yes! We're all individuals!"
"You're all different!"
"Yes, we ARE all different!"
"I'm not..."
"Sshhh!!"

"Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis spli--"

" I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

" Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?"

"But mother..."
"Father. I'm father."
"But father..."

"I am your king."
"Well I didn't vote for you."
"You don't vote for kings."
"Well how'd you become king then?"
"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king."
"Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony...Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you...Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

...etc.