From this thread:
iamirondude: I've been thinking about your situation for a while, particularly the recent events where you've hidden the child's newly acquired Transformers in an attempt to teach him a lesson in empathy and understanding -- and in that regard let me say that I understand why you did it. However, I think that this plan has the potential to backfire on you. Here are some issues that may arise from it - oh, and please don't take any of this personally - I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here.
+ The child and his supporters may perceive your actions as petty payback. I know it's not, and you were trying to instill empathy in him - which this child seems to sorely need more of - but it's possible for others to see it differently. They might see it as you stealing his toys because he stole from you first.
+ Rather than empathising with your feelings as you hoped he would, the child may engage in a contest of oneupmanship where he'll try to get back at you by stealing from you again.
+ The child and his supporters may argue that there's an element of hypocrisy in your plan. That you've used stealing as a means of teaching this child not to steal. It makes it difficult for you to maintain your moral highground when you have, in their eyes, done the same thing that the boy has done that you so disapprove of. So it can be seen as "Do as I say, but not as I do."
I think it's important that parents/caregivers and other adults need to role model the expected behaviour(s) that we want from kids. If a child swears at an adult and the adult replies, "You little <illegitimate.child>, now see? You didn't like that did you?" -- rather it can carry more authority if you say to a child, "I've never used that language at you before. I don't appreciate you using it at me."
Kids tend to respect adults more when they role-model the expected behaviour rather than behaving to the contrary. For example, I HATE wearing ties, but I wear one every day at school ('cept sports days) so I don't look like a flaming hypocrite when I penalise students for not wearing their school ties.
Remember that respect is always a two-way street. He disrespected you by stealing from you (and other stuff he's done). But the boy and his supporters might argue that you also disrespected him by 'stealing' from him. Again, I know this was never your intention and I'm not even trying to suggest that it was -- but it could be perceived that way from the child and his supporters (who seem to outnumber/outrank you).
My suggestion: return the toys if you haven't done so already. Sit down with the child and his supporters and tell them that you realise that taking his toys may not have been the best thing to do, but explain that you did it because you felt angry and frustrated because the child had disrespected you by violating your personal property.Assure the child that you won't steal his property again, but likewise you expect the same level of respect and courtesy to be shown to you in return. Then discuss with his caregivers what suitable/agreeable consequences may be dealt should he repeat offend again.
It sounds like this child may need some kind of behavioural contract where you list down all your expectations - and it doesn't need to be a long or complex list. It may be something as simple as "Show respect at all times" and each time he does something wrong, start the conversation with "Were you showing respect?"
e.g.:
+ Stealing your toys; "Were you showing respect?"
+ Cutting the brake lines; "Were you showing respect?"
+ Stealing money; "Were you showing respect?"
+ Cutting the hose; "Were you showing respect?"
...etc.
If he tries to get smart and says that he doesn't know what 'respect' means, then just say something like, "Respect is when you treat other people the way you want to be treated. You didn't like it when I took your stuff. Do you think I liked it when you took my stuff? Do you think other people like it when you take or damage their property?"
What you do is, rather than yelling at him or telling what he should or shouldn't do, just throw lots of questions at him about what HE thinks is the right thing to do. That way, the child becomes directly involved in creating the rules that govern his behaviour, which gives him a sense of ownership. You're not explicitly telling him what to do or how to think, but rather guiding him in the right direction.So rather than saying, "Don't do that! That's bad!" say something like, "Do you really think that was an appropriate thing to do/say?" / "What do you think might have been a better thing to do/say?" <---this second question helps the child to think of a better solution for the future and avoid repeating the bad behaviour.
Remember that when adults tell children what they should be doing/saying, it makes them feel disempowered. This child may be lashing out because he feels that he has had little control in his life. Allowing kids to dictate their own code of conduct makes the child feel empowered and gives them a greater sense of control.
This is what's called Choice Theory/Reality Control Therapy. Here are some links.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choice_theory
http://wglasser.com/
http://www.angelfire.com/ab/brightminds/
http://www.choicetheory.com/
http://www.betteblance.com/Choice-Theory/
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Originally Posted by GoktimusPrime
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