The Parenting Thread

[loophole]

also what you are eating can affect children as well because in my young primary school days i was little s**t. I always getting into trouble and generally causing having havoc where ever i went, i got the wooden spoon alot

but anyway at some point i had alot of allergy testing done to me and it was found out that i was allergic to quite a few things but the biggy was MSG which can be found in alot of chips and that sort of stuff. After removing MSG from my diet i calmed down right down and i wasnt causing as much trouble as i was, and generally being a good little boy that i should of been.

[Bartrim]

I have a similar relationship with my dad TB. I saw my dad for maybe 2months a year while growing up as he was out fishing from Port Lincoln to Hobart then up to Port Stephens. and our relationship isn't very good at the best of times. We argue constantly about raising my son as he has very little idea because of what little time he spent with us kids growing up. I don't want to blame him completely but all of us (me, my brother and my sister) have all had problems in the past. My brother and I are well adjusted now (except for my whole collecting toys thing)but my sister still has plenty of issues.

Actually out of the fans that around the world quite a few have father issues. Guess thats why we are fans of transformers. Optimus Prime comes across as such a strong leader/father figure.

[GoktimusPrime]

Yeah, definitely it's all kinds of things that helps mould a child: genetics, parents, friends, diet, poverty/wealth etc. - it's a mixed bag. Genetics is something you can't help, it's a lotto. As parents we can help teach them how to make the right decisions in life. We can help give them a good diet and in early years we have a say over their friends (Bartrim, your son does have a social life right now, it's you (and your wife)!) - and hopefully when they get older we can trust them to choose good friends (part of making right decisions). And a lot of this comes from modelling good behaviour too.

Now from what I remember, I didn't like that at all, and in the end when I actually got attention from him, be it good or bad, I was happy. There was more bad then good cause doing stupid/bad things would get his attention before anything good ever did. So I started to mess up at school, when I went. I lashed out at most people.

That's becoming an increasing problem - a lot of kids who feel neglected become desperate for attention, any kind of attention, and desperately seek it. And like you said, bad attention would be better than no attention at all (Corey Worthington is an example of a shameless attention seeker). I think that's the important of enforcing positive attention. Most kids would much rather receive praise and reward rather than punishment - but in the absence of consistent praise and reward they might turn to seek punishment purely as a form of attention seeking.

A lot of parents and educators go by the adage of "spare the rod spoil the child," and while I do think there's a lot of truth in the importance of negative reinforcement for inappropriate behaviour, there's the other adage of, "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" - which is the importance of positive reinforcement for good behaviour. As adults we do become sharply attuned to catching kids out for being bad, like a radar sense. I know I certainly do that in my work. But we also need to remind ourselves to catch kids out for being good too - and it's often harder to do because good behaviour doesn't grab your attention as much as bad behaviour. It's a balancing/juggling act.

[Saintly]

you got that right, Gok!

I going through the stages with saintly legend about attention seeking who does alot of good for most times but when it comes to "increase praises" he throws a bad day in the mix and I feel that he could be looking for something more than the average praise!?!?

[GoktimusPrime]

Choice Reality isn't foolproof. In my experience I find that it works by making the assumption that the subject cares and deep down wants to do the right thing, which most people do most of the time. But of course, we're dealing with children who are not always rational. It's the very reason why children don't have the same liberties and rights that adults do (e.g.: cannot vote, forced to attend school etc.). Adults are rational agents; children on the other hand are quasi-rational agents (sadly some immature adults too :/).

There are often times when - at the time you are attempting to counsel with a child - they just don't give a damn. And it's times like this where I find Glasser/Choice-Reality kinda falls short. There are some times when I find it better to go old-school and fall back to the old authoritarian model - tell them to shut up and do as they're told.

As I mentioned in post #7, managing behaviour in children requires a lot of tactical and strategical thinking and manoeuvring - hence why I told my former student-teacher to read The Art of War. You need to be able to quickly assess a situation and think about which strategy you need to use. A kid's not being cooperative, should you go hard and yell at them or go soft and reason with them? It depends on a whole lot of things like what's actually occured to lead to this situation, their emotional state, your emotional state, what the actual misbehaviour is etc etc etc. It's too simple to say that there's one method that works all the time in every situation.

And I've found that some methods work better with some teachers than others; and with some students than others. I imagine that parenting might be similar - those of you who have more than one children may have found that a certain tactic might work really well with one of your kids, but less so on their sibling - so you need to use a different strategy with them.

I remember talking to my cousin about this, and he thought that the comparison of behaviour management with military tactics was a bit far fetched. I then compared it with sport strategy (e.g.: football, basketball etc.) - you need to know when to play aggressively, when to play defensively, when to maintain possession of the ball or when to pass etc. He immediately understood what I was saying after I made that analogy. And I find it's the same with managing kids - sometimes it's better to be the "good guy" and go soft and try and reason with them, other times it's better to be the "bad guy" and just yell at them. All depends on the situation.

One good thing about teaching teenagers is that they seldomly cry when they get in trouble... cos I'm a big softy and when kids cry in front of me I want to cry too - but I gotta maintain a tough exterior and keep chastising or yelling at them... you just remind yourself that it's for their own good. And I believe it is... I can't stand kids who are spoiled rotten and can "do no wrong" in the eyes of their parents. Not surprisingly they're also _very_ painful children to teach.

[turtle boy]

My brother and I are well adjusted now (except for my whole collecting toys thing)but my sister still has plenty of issues.

Actually out of the fans that around the world quite a few have father issues. Guess thats why we are fans of transformers. Optimus Prime comes across as such a strong leader/father figure.

My brother and sister have both known my dad longer then myself, and I'm the eldest.
My brother and dad argue all the time, but only cause he gets spoiled and never gets in trouble from parents.
He also gets given pretty much everything he wants, cause my dad wants to live thew him cause of his mx riding.
My sister, I don't even consider her a sister anymore, by name only.

With the optimus thing, I totally agree. One reason I think I held prime a farther figure, is he's a truck, my dads a truck driver, my dad's a big bloke(strong), as is prime.

[Burn]

If there's one thing i've learnt about raising kids, what works for one parent doesn't work for another. Some methods may work perfectly for some, and only help out a little for another. Kids, are bloody unique and very much have their own minds.

Just because they're young without any degrees or certificates, does NOT make them idiots. Talking to them, not in an adult way, but not belittling them either, goes a long way.

That, and you really shouldn't spoil them ... well not too much anyway.

Tough love also doesn't hurt either. Send 'em to the naughty corner, take their favourite toy off them, whatever gets the message through that they've done something wrong, but take whatever moment you can get to remind 'em how much you love 'em.

[GoktimusPrime]

If there's one thing i've learnt about raising kids, what works for one parent doesn't work for another. Some methods may work perfectly for some, and only help out a little for another. Kids, are bloody unique and very much have their own minds.

Too true. You gotta find what works for both you and the kid. The results matter more than the method.

I guess it's kinda like when people ask me which is the best kind of martial art to learn. In the end, it's whatever works for you. i.e.: if you can fight with it, then it works.

[Burn]

And sometimes the most simple things, are the most enjoyable.

Like today, teaching my nephew how to make a toasted chicken and cheese sandwhich, it's a simple thing to do but damn it's fun teaching him to do it!

[Bartrim]

.
My sister, I don't even consider her a sister anymore, by name only.

I know where you are coming there TB