The Parenting Thread

[GoktimusPrime]

I'm a time-outerer. Up to Age 2, my daughter was more frequently misbehaving - and parents need to understand that this is natural. Age 2 (the "Terrible Twos") is when a child is trying to establish what his/her parents' boundaries are. The only way they know is by testing his/her parents' limits. And IMHO this is the most critical time to be really firm but fair when it comes to discipline -- because if you can get your child to be self-disciplined before age 3, then things get so much easier! We were constantly verbally reprimanding and time-outing Yuki from age 1-2. And yes, I would time her out in public. I once established a Naughty Corner at Kansai International Airport in Osaka Japan while lining up to have our passports inspected; I made her stand in that corner for about 3 minutes until she settled, then I squatted down to her eye level and verbally counselled here before moving on.

But when it comes to discipline, I believe in 3 core principles:
1. Be firm.
2. Be fair. Don't be too lenient nor excessively punitive. Also, try to be emotionally detached; always criticise the behaviour and never the child's personality (e.g. don't say, "You're being an idiot!" but rather "That was unacceptable!"). Also don't forget to reward good behaviour; the other side of the discipline coin is positive reinforcement when they do things right. Just simple things like verbal praise, hugs, kisses etc. (e.g. "You've packed away all your books, aren't you a good boy/girl!" <hugs><kisses>)
3. Be consistent. Any time the child steps out of line, issue a consequence (punishment). Any time the child does something good, issue a consquence (reward).

By about age 2.5, my daughter had quickly learnt that there is a 100% chance that there will be a consequence for any of her actions -- both positive and negative reinforcers. Since age 3 we rarely have behaviour issues with her. I've never had any of her teachers ever complain to me about her behaviour; they all say that she's excellently behaved. Her Chinese school teacher told me that although she is physically the youngest child in the class, she is the most emotionally mature - that was last year when she was still in Kindy, and all her other classmates were year 1-2 or older.

[drifand]

great tips, I will have to taken them on board. Is for my own good.
I cant compare how I was treated by my father back then and compared to todays world of discipline. Hopefully it works out well.

[Bartrim]

While driving home with Marcus "The Touch" started playing. Not only was Marcus singing along but when I looked in the rear view mirror he was playing air guitar

This thread can now be locked as I have won it.

[BigTransformerTrev]

While driving home with Marcus "The Touch" started playing. Not only was Marcus singing along but when I looked in the rear view mirror he was playing air guitar

This thread can now be locked as I have won it.

Hah!

Indeed you have sir, indeed you have. I tip my hat to you

[GoktimusPrime]

While driving home with Marcus "The Touch" started playing. Not only was Marcus singing along but when I looked in the rear view mirror he was playing air guitar

This thread can now be locked as I have won it.

Parenting: You're doing it right.

Since age 3 we rarely have behaviour issues with her. I've never had any of her teachers ever complain to me about her behaviour; they all say that she's excellently behaved. Her Chinese school teacher told me that although she is physically the youngest child in the class, she is the most emotionally mature - that was last year when she was still in Kindy, and all her other classmates were year 1-2 or older.

Aaaaaand, naturally I just jinxed myself with that comment.
I went to pick Yuki up from school today and she told me that she was hungry, but she didn't have any more food left. So I dropped her off at Chinese school, then bought a bread roll from a nearby bakery and dropped it off to her in class to eat during their recess break. After getting home, my wife took her lunchbox out of her schoolbag and we discovered that she'd only eaten half of her lunch!

So here's what we did...
+ Time out and verbal reprimand for lying to me about not having any food left when she clearly did
+ Verbal counselling which went like this:
"Why do you think you felt hungry after school today?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. Think about it."
"Because I didn't eat all of my food."
"How would you feel if you made food for someone and they didn't eat it?"
"Angry!"
"So how do you think grandma feels after you didn't eat all of the food that she made for you?"
"Sad."
"So what do you think you need to say to grandma now?"
"I need to say sorry."

She then went to find her grandmother, sat in Seiza, bowed and apologised. After she did this, I gave her kisses and cuddles and praised her for doing the right thing... and dried her tears.

Notice that in our discussion, I avoided asking her "Why?" This is because in Choice Theory/PB(E)L it is strongly suggested that adults avoid asking "Why?" This is because 'Why' questions are more likely to be perceived by the child to be judgmental and questioning the child's core character/moral universe, rather than examining the child's actions. This is why I stuck to "how" and "what" questions instead. How and what questions are also much more effective in eliciting the child to think about what they have done and what they should do in the future to make things better. It prompts the child to self-reflect, and in doing so, self-manage their own behaviour --- the very core of self-discipline.

I didn't tell her what she's done or what she needs to do; rather, I asked her a series of questions to guide her into telling me what she'd done and needs to do. If I'd just said to her, "You were hungry because you didn't finish your lunch. Your grandmother worked hard to make that food for you and you didn't finish it, and she's not happy about it. You need to say sorry." <---this is rather ineffectual. Yuki would not have been required to do any actual thinking, self-reflection or empathy for others, because I would have done all that for her. She would be more likely to give me a hollow token apology (you know, when kids say "sorry" just to get you to leave them alone, but they don't actually mean it or really understand the gravity of what they've done; think 'Jonah' from Summer Heights High ).

IMO it's more effective to get children to think about what they've done and think about how to do things better in the future rather than just yelling at them and getting angry. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely did use a stern and "we are not happy with you" voice when I spoke to her, but it wasn't that angry-rage voice that some parents use when they go nuts and yell at their kids etc. And honestly, a calm but unhappy voice can often be scarier than an emotionally heightened shouty voice.

[drifand]

again, nice tips, I have so much to learn.

[GoktimusPrime]

I was checking my daughter's Japanese school bag after she'd gone to sleep... and I couldn't find her Katakana chart. After much looking and bad words, I still couldn't find it. Then I snuck into her room with a torch and found it in her toy box. She's been trying to teach herself Katakana and must've dumped it there instead of putting it back in her school bag! Gggaaaaaaargh!

I was feeling both absolutely furious that she hadn't put something back where it belongs, but simultaneously delighted that she's been trying to teach herself a new writing system!

[BigTransformerTrev]

The mathematics of being a parent:

2 year old son + 3 week old daughter = no sleep


Damn I'm fricken tired

[drifand]

The mathematics of being a parent:

2 year old son + 3 week old daughter = no sleep


Damn I'm fricken tired

I have already very little sleep with just one.

[Jetfire in the sky]

The mathematics of being a parent:

2 year old son + 3 week old daughter = no sleep


Damn I'm fricken tired

I think there is a good lesson for us single child families out there. Keep it the way it is

All the best with your new addition BTT.